Certainly Uncertain

The point of no return.

2008-12-07T07:47:00.000-08:00

You walked away.
Little did you know that with a few steps
You could ruin it all.
Just a stroll down the way
would take back everything we worked for.
Everything i loved.
It was just another little fight,
you thought.
But to me itw as the straw that broke the camel's back.

It's what fits me best. Don't blame me.

2008-12-07T07:34:00.000-08:00

I wear "safety shoes"
And "caution t-shirts."
I paid fifty bucks for my "security coat,"
and my "protection hat" was a gift.
I proudly sport my "careful scarf"
along with my "concerned earmuffs."
So, go ahead,
make fun of my wardrobe.
It's not my fault my "scaredy pants"
fit me best.

Advertisements.

2008-12-07T07:28:00.000-08:00

"If you were a billboard,
what would you promote?"
Failure
plastered itself on my page.
It wasn't me that wrote it,
I swear.
I looked down again and there danced
Denial.
What was going on?
Lies! I thought to myself.
But then it occurred to me
that these were actually
subliminal truths.
My subconscious held me hostage
and my pen went on a frenzy.
INSECURE
UNHAPPY
REJECTED
FORGOTTEN
WORN OUT
PESSIMISTIC.
Was that really me?
My defining characteristics?
The words glided from my pen
onto my paper
as if i was writing
my very own name.
My mind snapped back to its duties of
dishonesty and trickery
when my teacher asked what I had written.
"Confidence"
i said with a grin.

Riches

2008-12-07T07:25:00.001-08:00

My silence is meant to be your punishment,
but in reality,
it's more like a reward.
You hurt me,
I go silent.
You don't have to sit and listen
to my nagging voice
or my restless tears.
They say silence is golden.
If that is so,
you must be the richest man alive
for all the times you've hurt me.

Invisible?

2008-12-07T07:21:00.000-08:00

I'm quiet,
not blind.
I can see the wonder in your eyes
and the curiosity in your tone.
She flaunts her beauty
and desire fills your soul.
But I stand silent.
Although you're clearly missing view of me,
I see it all,
I hear it all,
Worst of all,
I feel it all.
I feel it because that's what you once had for me.
Now it's hers.
You are hers.
She got your laughs,
your tears,
you love.
It was mine.
Snatched up from right under me.
Must be like taking candy from a baby.

Hollywood

2008-11-23T16:58:00.000-08:00

The spotlight is on you, Hollywood.
Play your play,
act your act,
sing your song,
dance you dance.
All eyes on you.
Imperfection ever so evident
under the microscope of judgement.
Lovers love,
Haters hate.
Take your bow,
the deed is done.
The light blinds your eyes
and you can't see out
but remember, your critics
are anything but
blind.

Dance

2008-11-23T16:48:00.000-08:00

this dance we do
is an artwork all it's own.
i smile,
you take my hand.
you lead,
i follow.
i fall,
you catch.
the steps laid out ahead of us
to dance into.
but one wrong rhythm set to your foot
could lead you to breaking the strokes
in which we use to create.
Now, the masterpiece is just a picture,
the dance just a movement.

Carpe Diem My Ass

2008-11-09T14:16:00.000-08:00

guess no one took into account
the castles
and armies
they'd have to conquer
and weapons
and warriors
they'd have to dodge
and hunger
and pain
and emotions
they'd have to set aside and ignore
day by day
when they decided to live life by the famous words
carpe diem.

Winter

2008-11-09T14:07:00.001-08:00

the past is fading fast
but the future is on it's way.
no time like the present, but i must say
i'm estatic that
winter is approaching.
weather changes.
mood changes.
we change.
but to what?
i've never been so open to the unknown.
come on season.
settle in.
i want nothing more than to be
"snowed in"

Signing Out

2008-11-02T14:21:00.000-08:00

The biggest buzz in the teen world today:
"To be comfortable in your own skin"
News flash to the foolish youthful:
Your skin isn't really yours.
Call me a negative Nelly,
but there you have it.
The skin is made up of many layers.
The layers include pieces of others.
Their influcences,
opinions,
and judgements.
So,
is it really possible
to be comfortable
in something that isn't yours?
Signing out,
Nelly.

He

2008-10-09T17:53:00.000-07:00

He gets me.
He got me.
He’s had me.
He reads me,
And my writing.
And knows,
Not necessarily the meaning,
But my reasons.
He knows that writing,
Along with him,
Is my release.
He knows I write it all down
Because I can’t talk it all up.
He knows it’s my way of expressing my feelings
And pushing past my problems
I write,
And forget.
It’s as simple as that.
He calls it my catharsis
I call it bitching.
I see my writing as my greatest flaw
But he readily disagrees
“It’s a way of release
Probably the best form out there”
So, I’m good at something?
“Your writing habits will only bring you happiness”
I’m good at making myself happy?
Really?
I’ll cross my fingers
And hold tight to his words
Let’s hope his language is one of truths.
If not,
I apologize for wasting all this paper and ink
On a wasted effort
To be happy.

Medical Assistance Needed

2008-10-07T16:38:00.000-07:00

I search for my confidence
It's nowhere to be found.
You've shattered it into a million pieces.
The sharp edges cut me deep.
The wounds won't heal
Bandaids can't cover tears.

Deep Sea

2008-09-27T14:24:00.001-07:00

Toes over edge
Eyelids resting
Serenity slips over her body
She wants nothing more
Than to be one with the water
To escape the complications of the cold, harsh land
She wants to be weightless
Of more things than just pounds
She wants to bubble with the foam
And rise and fall with the tides
And so she goes
Knees to chest
Hand over nose and mouth
Falling
But to her, the fall is worth it if she gets to float.
Her body is stung with the impact
And the freezing temperature.
She comes up for breath
And is shot back down
By the force of the ocean's arms.
She is sinking
Slowly, painfully
Her sense of freedom is now the ball and chain
that keep her prisoner of the deep sea
As her feet hit the sand
She suddenly hears a voice
One distant and barely audible
She must listen closely
And as she does
It seems to wrap around her
And embody her.
The fear slowly rushes out
And she feels safe.
As she rises to the top
And takes her first breath
She realizes there was never really a voice
She doesn't need guidance
She is her own caretaker and savior.
It was her own voice whispering
"Just keep swimming"
That kept her alive.

Knock first, don't enter

2008-08-12T06:10:00.000-07:00

Pain shoots up my body
Into my eyes
That burst into tears
But not without making a stop
At my heart.
It wasn't polite enough to knock
But instead barged in.
I was unaware
Unguarded
And scared.
It came through to take you away
But you held your door tight
And you're still here.
I shouldn't be surprised
But I am
Because how could someone like you
Meet someone like me
Deal with someone like me
And yet still love someone like me?

Chaotic Silence

2008-07-10T09:49:00.001-07:00

There is nothing worse
than the
chaotic silence
your mute mouth
has brought to my
attentive ears.
your silence has a voice,
it is piercing
and deafening.
your loudest shrieks
could not compare
to the powerful pitch
of your pitiful silence.
so speak with words
and release me from the pain

is it?

2008-07-09T14:48:00.000-07:00

is it worth it?
is anything?
the possible pain
embarassment and
regret?
but then again,
if it wasn't
why would the young exist?
after all,
it's rare
that you aren't one of those
if not,
all three.
welcome to
"the best years of your life"

Emotions

2008-07-09T14:39:00.000-07:00

usually
emotions inspire me
but what happens
when im emotionless?
does the writing stop?
if so, does that mean the world stops?
my world, for sure.
i need inspiration.
awaken, emotions.
the world needs a new spin.

The Main Attraction

2008-07-09T14:34:00.000-07:00

the suspense
the curiousity
the excitment;
what a let down
these people will experience
when the ribbon is cut
and they realize
the main attraction
is me.

Nobody would know

2008-06-15T09:23:00.000-07:00

The rocks under her silk sheets
make her toss and turn at night
but nobody would know
because her beauty blinds them
and nobody would know
that the reasons she laughs
is because the spikes, dwelling in the back of her throat
poke and prod her
forcing her to smile
in hopes they will escape
and nobody would know
that her tears are her
lullaby

Denial

2008-06-01T18:26:00.001-07:00

denial is the easiest medicine to swallow.
it plays tricks on your mind
and makes you believe everything is bliss
when in reality,
the side effects surely outweigh
the simplicity.

Balance?

2008-05-30T16:42:00.000-07:00

“I’m your release
Don’t deny the fact that I might need you as much as you need me.”

Your humor amuses me.
The scales are certainly not balanced.
your side is
grazing the ground
with my
problems
insecurities
impatience
and uncertainty.
My side is weightless with your
Laughter
Charm
And smile.
The fact is,
No matter how much you put onto my plate
You will always have more to eat on yours.
The scale will never be balanced,
Which, I guess, would make this fact
Completely
Utterly
False.

What's inside my house

2008-05-30T16:29:00.000-07:00

Hopes down the toilet
Dreams slashed in the attic
Faith covered in bed
Love skewed in the kitchen
Determination buried in the basement.
Crumble, shelter, crumble.
I can not call you a home
because they say home is where the heart is
and my heart is everywhere but here.

Sugar

2008-05-30T16:18:00.000-07:00

Be my sweetness, my sour, my chocolate, my craving, my candy, through this tearful meltdown.
I’ve been told that
Just a spoonful of sugar helps the downfall go easier.

Read Me

2008-05-30T15:01:00.000-07:00

No one picks up a book like me.
My cover is worn and tattered.
You, however, flipped through my beaten down pages
And have translated my words .
My riddles intrigue you, but
have no rhythm or flow.
Good luck trying to whistle my tune.
The music between the lines is low, so
Listen close
Open your ears
They are the keys to my home of
Thoughts, feelings, and love.

Listening with ears is only half the challenge.
The melody is sweet,
But fleeting as the setting sun
Yet I can hear it growing still

For now it is sweet,
But sweetness can be sour underneath.
Be aware,
The taste is bitter

Bittersweet harmony.
Warm yet aesthetic.
It can be felt now,
Moving
Pulsing
Inside.

Another round, please?

2008-05-29T16:28:00.000-07:00

Dissect Me.
Discover Me.
Invade Me.
My thoughts are yours to scramble.
Pick me apart.
Leave me nothing to ponder.
My door is always open.
You know the way.
You’ve been there many times before.
My mind is an open bar
Have all the drinks you’d like
Get drunk off my ideas
Have a hangover with my emotions.
Do as you wish.
I will quench your thirst.

help me out

2008-05-29T15:56:00.000-07:00

I'm in dire need
Of you to look the other way.
To not taunt me with your ambiance
Or burn me with your tender eyes.
I need you to cut the ties
That I am hanging on so dearly to.
Tell me I'm nothing.
Belittle me.
I’m begging you.
My grip is not weakening.
My sanity relies on you.
Please, relieve me.

Crazy Computer Talk

2008-05-29T15:26:00.002-07:00

This feeling
That has crept into my system
Is unidentifiable.
It is impossible to delete the program
For I have tried many times before.
The virus sneaks up on me
Armed
Strong
Ready to erase my memory
There is nothing I want more
Than to shut down
And reload.

Master

2008-05-29T15:26:00.001-07:00

Master, cut my strings
I am no longer your dancing fool
Feelings have slithered into my body
And I am ready to move on my own.
No longer do I need your guidance
Or strength
Or power
For I have my own
And I am a real boy now.

All bottled up

2008-05-26T18:52:00.001-07:00

I'm angry
because you left
your two little angels
with no father
and I'm mad
because you didn't officially say goodbye
what you did was
torture
and taunt
and confuse
I'm mostly mad, though,
because i couldn't understand
what you were going through
and that i judged you
and that I'll never get to hear
your acceptance of my pathetic apology
which I'm sure you would have
in a heartbeat.
which you no longer have.

You wear it well

2008-05-26T18:47:00.000-07:00

smile, dear
it's your best look
expensive dresses
or luxurious shoes
can not possibly compare to
your illuminating smile
you wear it well
your style is my assurance
that as long as you are here
perfection is obtainable

Shaking

2008-05-26T18:45:00.000-07:00

stumble, young boy
fumble with your words
because love is not definite
it is just as unsure as you
but, keep in mind,
uncertainty is what makes the world go 'round

Fine

2008-05-26T18:43:00.001-07:00

ask me again, daddy, how my day was
i'll reply with fine
as always
and you will nod with approval
as always
it's funny
how a four letter world
contains so much substance
and screams more answers than a person can handle
but you can't hear its cries, daddy.
ironic?
most certainly.

Please

2008-05-26T18:39:00.000-07:00

ignore my rambling
no, it's not English, Spanish, or French
Language can not possibly hold the emotions
that are flowing from my mouth
into the receiver
through the cable line
into your phone
which you hold
far from your face
because i am not screaming
shrieking, really
and my breath has been captured from my lungs
and no matter what you say
you are the reason
language has totally slipped my mind
and have been forced to rely on rage
and incomprehensible sounds
but please,
ignore me
you should be a pro by now.

Truth

2008-05-26T18:37:00.001-07:00

the truth is
that when you cant hold on any longer
and you slip
no one is going to catch you
because you are the weight of the world
and their shoulders will
never
ever
be strong enough to hold you up

Fill 'er up with something more than regular

2008-05-26T18:34:00.001-07:00

to know he was the backbone to your body
and the smile on your face
and the confidence in your walk
is the worst realization a young,
foolish, teenage girl can come to
when the boy who kept her running
finally ran out of gas,
or better known to her as love

Shades of Gray

2008-05-26T18:28:00.000-07:00

he lives his life in shades of gray
it's exactly where i want to be
the color speaks multitudes
who would have known?
no definite answers
endless possibilities
acceptance
care
a hand to wipe away the tears
an ear to listen
eyes to indulge in
a smile to savor
anything you need
but most of all, love
and isn't that really what we all need?
even if we find it in the form of a color?

No Relief

2008-05-26T18:23:00.001-07:00

restrained
restricted
caged
life behind bars
constructed by the guards
key tossed and lost
retrieval not an option
freedom merely an illusion
terminated dreams
lost hope
sleep well behind the barrier, baby,
get comfy
you've been sentenced to life

take it

2008-05-26T18:20:00.000-07:00

or leave it